The Abuse Excuse

JACK
I’ve given a lot of thought to the root cause of recent crimes against people and society. I’m thinking specifically of Congressman Foley giving one of the reasons for his pedophilia was that as a boy a priest abused him. And then the terrible crime in the Amish schoolhouse, and trying to set a rationale for such a terrible action, the perpetrator said that he was angry with God, and he also had nightmares about the fact that he himself had abused two small children 20 years ago. Seems to me that both cases could have been helped, and the tragedies avoided, if the perpetrators had given a clue as to their plans, and were able to get the right kind of psychological help.

HILLARY
Well, the "abuse excuse" is nothing new. I was often told, after I came out to my parents, that I would not have any long lasting psychological effects from the molestation that I suffered. This response almost produced more shame than the abuse itself. When this happens, it is very common for one to internalize that shame and then reenact the abuse on others. When one becomes the perpetrator, and then gets caught, they often feel no remorse because they still see themselves as victims. I chose to act out self-destructively, but understand that someone could choose to act out against others. I think that if we are more open to young victims, and not shame them, we may prevent future pedophiles and killers.

JACK
Your observation, born of your own experience, is very insightful. Rather than just recoil from the crimes that have been committed, perhaps we can learn a lesson by minimizing future acts that destroy people. We cannot bring back those poor kids, nor can we reverse the damage done by a Congressman. What I am hearing is the deep hurt suffered by the acts must be faced, discussed, and treated.

HILLARY
I agree. However, I wonder if the mass media, sensationalized, almost morbid frenzy that is on the airwaves is really facing, or treating the problem. The country is certainly discussing it, but I’m not sure that we are all talking about the right things. I don’t think that the details of the crime are as important as the fact that these are not isolated incidents, but rather an epidemic of misuse of children and extreme violence. The question should be: How do we stop people from taking advantage of others, and respecting human life?

JACK
This is why our dialogue is so important. If we can help to foster a movement that opens up the lines of communication, we can go a long way to adjust the damage that has been done. You and I have been talking about this, and I could see a lot of pain that had been inflicted and by bringing it out into the open, and discussing with someone you trust, is like opening a wound and cleansing it of the poisons that have been allowed to fester. The movement is not something that will be advanced by mass media. There are too many taboos for even a well-intentioned newspaper to begin to attack the subject. It can only be done person to person, where the fear of revealing one’s true feelings can be accomplished.

HILLARY
The truth shall set you free.

JACK
There are many clichés that prove themselves in time, and that’s one of them. When you and I talk, there are no taboos and there is no defense. We are not trying to justify, we are simply saying what is as we see it.

HILLARY
I can only say for myself, that I am a more contented person having exposed these hidden feelings to you, and making them public. You always gave me the option of down-playing my history, which may have been easier, however, I have never felt as comfortable in my skin as I have over the past few months, which I directly attribute to the honest and forthright manner in which we have discussed and published my experience.

JACK
I find that very gratifying, and on a larger scale we may have uncovered a capability for diffusing people who are capable of committing these violent acts. We come back to the intense need of giving each individual the opportunity to express feelings. It’s not a matter of minimizing them, it is a necessity to face the problem and deal with it.

HILLARY
I would like to add, that while I may understand the "abuse excuse" I do not forgive it. One is judged on their behavior, and one may no longer be seen as a victim if they choose to pass their burdens on to others. Everyone has choices, and once you are an adult it is your responsibility to help yourself.

JACK
You understand that, but there are millions of people where the door has been closed, and they really are not aware of the fact that they have choices. If I could express my hope for this exchange, it would be nothing grandiose, it would just be our help in opening the door.

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