Communication - The Ugly Side

JACK
I describe our blog as an instrument for communication.

Communicating with each other is a major part of our lives. Good and bad communication affects each of us dramatically. A failure to communicate is one of the key elements that lead to a failed life. I would like to examine, what I consider to be, a communication trauma that has in the headlines, and featured on all talk television shows. The dilemma presented by the 15 year old who had been kidnapped and held captive for four years. During this time, although he was relatively free to move around, and he spent time alone, he made no attempt to communicate with his parents or anybody outside the world of his captivity. Hillary, you are much closer to his age, and you have had a parallel experience, how do you explain his failure to communicate?

HILLARY
Wow, Jack. First, I want to say that I don’t think we had a parallel experience. Yes, I was incested as a child, but I was never taken from my family or isolated from the people I love. That being said, I can definitely relate to the reasons why one would choose not to tell anyone about the abuse they are suffering. As a child, even if you are free of intimidation, there is a shame that binds and keeps you from sharing your experience with someone. A child’s ego is so powerful that it is nearly impossible to have perspective; it feels like the abuse is somehow your fault. It felt like if I were better, or smarter, it would not have happened to me. So one can be free to walk around, and mingle with others, because a child may not tell anyone out of humiliation.

JACK
Are you saying that the major reason for this boy’s decisions not to communicate with the outside world was motivated by fear? And a sense of shame?

HILLARY
I don’t know what this boy experienced. He may have been intimidated, and told that he would be hurt or his family would be hurt if he told anyone. That’s what I understand to be a "fear" of communicating this abuse. As far as "shame" goes, I think that’s certainly what kept me from telling anyone for so many years, and I imagine it could be the same case here. But it’s not simply shame of the experience, it’s the shame of a child unable to recognize the abuse as victimization.

JACK
One of the parts of this story that disturbs me is the fact that his parents have appeared on many talk shows, including Oprah and Larry King. They dramatically increased the exposure of this young man, by exploring the intimate details. They responded to what they felt and seemed to be talking for their son as to his feelings. I would think that after a traumatic four years the best thing for this young man would be to get privacy, and be left to heal in the bosom of his family.

HILLARY
A great deal of the trauma that I experienced as a child came not during the abuse, but after I finally came forward. My family shamed me with silence and incredulity, which caused a spiral of masochistic behavior that lasted well into my twenties. I mention this, as it seems that this boy’s family has taken the opposite approach and shouted the crime from the rooftops. I don’t think that either one is healthy, and not only does it trouble me for this young boy who has to try to go on with his life, but I think it’s a commentary on our society at large. What is this desire to expose oneself to the world? I understand that the truth sets you free, and that communicating is better than silencing, but this reaction from his parents seems to be self-serving more than liberating.

JACK
Can this be part of "let’s get on television no matter what it takes"? I have been at a loss to understand how people will suffer public humiliation, in order to get their five minutes of fame. I think of huge successful programs like American Idol — I see people with no talent and with judges who can’t wait to tear them apart. There are programs that elevate, but more often they insult the participant and the viewer.

HILLARY
I would be more understanding of these parents for sharing their son’s story, if it came a year from now with a presentation of a successful survival story. Instead, it seems to be another opportunity to shock society with graphic details of horrific events. When I worked at a cable network, we would do focus groups, which would show a huge segment of the population with a sense of "morbid curiosity." This was more than five years ago, and I have to think that those numbers have only gone up. People seem to want to know details that you would think you’d rather not know. But again, if these details we being told by the survivor himself as a way to release the shame that was hoisted upon him, I think we’d be having a discussion about our admiration for his recovery, rather than questioning the motives of his parents.

JACK
It would be interesting to get some professionals to share their opinions, but I consider this to be the ugly side of communication.

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