We are family.
JACK
As I observe you and your mother planning your wedding, which I humorously dub "The Coronation", I started to think of all of the situations that we get into, and because they involve the family, most often become emotionally charged. I know I took my chances when I co-founded my company 55 years ago with my late wife. As soon as I could, I brought in my younger brother, my son, my brother’s son, and my cousin. The wisdom of that time as set forward by IBM was that you don’t bring family into business. The bottom line is that I always believed in nepotism, and when problems arose I believed that with respect and intelligence they could be resolved. Following my pattern, so many of our employees were closely related — fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, brothers and sisters — I do believe that a paramount reason for our great success is our sense that we are a big extended family. As a matter of fact, at our last major meeting, they decided the theme and the music was "We are Family." In my case, it all worked great. It didn’t do so without problems, but I had long since come to the conclusion that if you’re in business you’re in a stressful situation, and problems are what you face when you are living. So now, bring it up to 2007 — your Mother, my wife, was a professional caterer and event planner. So how does this work for you?
HILLARY
Wow, Jack, I wonder if there is any question more loaded in the history of our conversations. I love my Mother, and she is my closest friend and ally. I cannot claim the kind of success that she had, as she was a trailblazer in her industry and named Woman Executive of the Year in the 1980s, but I have had my own success, even utilizing the event coordinating skills that I picked up working at her company as a kid. Since we do things a little differently, however, there are sometimes debates. In the normal wedding planner vs. bride debate, there generally isn’t too much back and forth — the bride wins. Given that my wedding planner is my Mother, my winning average is not quite that high. This causes a bit of anxiety on my part, as I can’t just tell my wedding planner to take her opinion and stuff it. But really, I think we’ve managed to find a mode of communication that works for us. I try to keep an open mind when she gives advice, and she tries not to be overbearing in the giving of it. Wow, this is hard one, Jack. I’ve got a lot on my mind here, but my Mom also reads the blog.
JACK
There is both the danger and the pleasure in the subtle way you are telling your mother how much you respect her, but at the same time you insist on the validity of your independent thoughts. It’s amazing how closely the business world and the personal world parallel each other, because the bottom line is that it’s all about relationships. And, in relationships one must abandon the importance of winning or losing. It is not a contest, and when everything rolls smoothly, it is not important how many different thoughts and efforts went into the process.
HILLARY
I certainly agree with that. Before I got engaged, the image of my perfect wedding looked something like a hippie gathering under a tree in the mountains somewhere, with about ten people. After I got engaged, and had a fiancé, mother, and future mother-in-law’s image of the perfect wedding relayed to me, I had to change my vision. So now ten people under a tree have become 200 people at a country club — very different, but no less lovely. If I had dug my heels in and said, I want it to be the way I envisioned, I imagine I would have alienated my new family along with my old. So, I guess that taught me to be flexible and to accept that this day is not just about me, but about two families coming together. This is a beautiful thing but, like families often are, this time is wrought with issues, problems, and drama. Now, times two.
JACK
The wonderful truth about perfection is there is no such thing. Part of growth is being able to separate reality from fantasy, truth from fiction, and fulfillment from frustration. There are two sayings that I always got a kick out of: "Be careful about what you wish for because you may get it." And, "the best laid plans of mice and men often go astray." The really important point about being involved with family, as in your wedding, my business, and all of our personal affairs, is the conclusion that you just came to: being a family is really what it’s all about.
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