Talk about it.
HILLARY
So there was another shooting on a school campus. I normally don’t read too much about the killers in these cases, since I think that’s what a lot of them wanted – to be remembered or to be glorified. But, in this case, so many people who knew the shooter said that he was normal, nice, caring, and intelligent. So, I was intrigued and began to read more about him. What I found was that this person had been diagnosed with anxiety, and was given an anti-depressant. When he took this drug, Prozac, it made him feel like a zombie. This is not what an anti-depressant should feel like. They do just the opposite, they make you more upbeat and sometimes so energetic that people get shaky and uneasy. Given his reaction to the medication, he should have been given something else, because one of the side effects for anti-depressants may be homicidal ideations.
JACK
One of the side effects is to make one homicidal? There are so many frightening aspects to the now frequent occurrence of shootings in school. As a matter of fact, I now understand that there is a movement to allow students to come to school armed. The idea of our schools being an armed camp is mind-boggling. There is obviously a huge amount of anger residing in the head of the killer.
HILLARY
But this is my point. While there maybe anger in someone’s head, it doesn’t always manifest outwardly. When I was a teenager, I had suicidal thoughts. My parents sent me to a psychiatrist who put me on an anti-depressant. Three weeks later, I found myself in the kitchen with my mother, and while I was helping her cook, I had to walk away and go to my room because I started to have ideas about hurting my mother with the knife in my hand. I had never had any thoughts about hurting anyone but myself prior to that day. Similarly, it seems that this shooter had a history of cutting himself, an unfortunately common behavior these day. The fact that his self-destruction turn outwardly I believe could have been caused a medication that was improperly prescribed and monitored. Furthermore, so many people take these medications without coupling it with talk therapy. I think that talking to someone about your fears and feelings is the only way to truly exorcise ones demons, with or without medication.
JACK
This is, to me, one of the prime reasons for us doing our cross-generation dialogue. Who knows how many violent thoughts lurk in the minds of people without reasonable outlet for them. Did you ever divulge this violent thought to anybody before this conversation?
HILLARY
Yes. At the time, I told my psychiatrist and I stopped taking the medication.
JACK
What did the psychiatrist say?
HILLARY
He wasn’t a good psychiatrist, and I ended up needing more therapy to get over his bad counseling - He told me that it would likely pass and I wouldn’t be better served staying on the medication since I was no longer having the thoughts of suicide and that was the main concern and I clearly was able to walk away from the impulse to hurt others. I thought at 15, and I continue to think that it was terrible advice, and I stopped taking the medication. Luckily, I had that stubborn streak in me. It’s not only important to talk with someone, but to get another opinion if something doesn’t sound right to you.
JACK
I recently learned that there is an unbelievably enormous number of people that are on anti-depressants. Certainly far more that I had expected. This was told to me by a friend who cheerfully said that he loves his Prozac. The thought that you had just now, which was to be able to vent your feelings to someone that you trusted, or even to do it anonymously, to you feel that it would have released the kind of pressure that you were feeling? Of course, this is speculative, but I have a point. It is my feeling that we must have an outlet for our emotions. Particularly if they are violent, but this would apply to joy, accomplishment, or anything positive. The instituting of dialogue is probably the healthiest way of releasing this bottled up energy. Just as when I do something great, I need someone to share it. On the other side, if I have dark thoughts it becomes even more important that I have a place where I can release them. One of our goals should be to provide that capability whether the correspondent does it by name or anonymously. It gets out. I once went through a time that a wrote a letter to my dead mother because I felt that there were things that I had to say. And, it worked.
HILLARY
If I would have been able to have honest dialogue with someone that I trusted, or even if I would have grown up in these days, when blogging and online support groups are easily assessable and acceptable, I can only hope that I would have reached out to them and that I would have taken a different course in my life. I found release and relief in psychedelic drugs, which allowed me to leave my reality for a time, and process in a way completely different. While I credit these drugs with helping me get though some incredibly difficult times, it took time away from real maturing, and I am only now in my early thirties able to accept what happened in my childhood and process new experiences from a place of inner peace. Looking back, the one regret that I have is that I chose drugs rather than finding someone to really talk to, but I am happy with who I am so can’t dwell on that too much.
JACK
You were one of the lucky people who escaped. We can only guess at how many people were destroyed by the same drugs. I don’t present this a panacea, but this site it is a safe place with no need for identity or costs of any kind. I just have the feeling that it can help.
HILLARY
What I was looking for, and what we have here, is someone to talk to that I know won’t judge me for my thoughts.
Communication is inspiration! Share your thoughts below.
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