DIALOGUE
HILLARY
Over the past week, Barack Obama has fueled a discussion in the media over “dialogue.” Should we talk with our enemies or not? I am so thrilled that this concept is being talked about in the mainstream media because I believe it’s one of the most important aspects of enlightenment. Can I talk with my enemy? Can I debate an issue dispassionately? Can two people, who have vast differences, come together and find common ground? I believe that not only can we have a dialogue with our enemies, it is the only way to avoid violence. Can we talk to someone who has abused us? If not, is there any other way to truly find peace?
JACK
What’s finally happening is the rest of the world is now catching up with us. For the past year and a half we have been expanding on the importance of having dialogue. The question is whether you should talk to your enemies. How many families do you know where each generation seems to be the enemy? Our whole point is that parents need to talk to their children and to their grandchildren, and to people of all ages from all walks of life. As far as the enemy is concerned, some of the great diplomatic coups of history were met by unlikely participants. I remember so clearly the violent discussion when Nixon went to China. If a liberal Democrat had gone, the archconservatives would have been up in arms. Now history judges Nixon’s opening of China as the highlight of his career and the most positive reason that he will go down in history. Reagan did not hesitate to talk to Khrushchev, and JFK coined the remarkable phrase we should never negotiate out of fear, but we should never fear to negotiate. In the business world, if I made deals with only my friends, or those with whom I completely agreed, my market would be too narrow to be profitable.
HILLARY
Maybe people just don’t understand how it works. How to talk with someone with whom you disagree, or even someone against whom you have a terrible grievance. How does one start that conversation?
JACK
There are times when it simply can’t be done. There was no conversation that could have a good conclusion with Adolph Hitler. When someone has decided in advance to kill you, it is almost impossible. There is no question that ground rules have to be established and before we put the President on the line, there should be a platform where there is a possibility for positive results. But I totally disagree with those that say the other side has to meet our conditions before we will meet. It’s OK if he first agrees that he’s not going to kill us.
HILLARY
What about in personal relationships? Let’s say a couple is struggling in their marriage, and both sides want the other to move first. How do you get through that impasse into something positive?
JACK
That’s why they invented psychiatrists. Sometimes when an intermediary is necessary. My personal belief is that if two people love each other, and they want to spend happy years together, they must first decide that issues must be settled or at least they reach an agreement to disagree. I never trusted a romance that had no conflict, but it takes courage because the very act of confrontation includes exposing your own inadequacies.
HILLARY
I think that’s the deal. I think that you have to be willing to acknowledge that you are not perfect. I am a flawed human being, capable of causing others harm, intentionally or not. I have to be willing to say I’m sorry. I have to be willing to hear that I hurt someone, even if I didn’t mean to, and saying I’m sorry when I had no intention of harm doesn’t mean that I am weak.
JACK
Even more important to a relationship is that one must never judge what he considers to be right. I once told a group that my wife and I never went to sleep angry at each other – we stayed up and fought all night.
HILLARY
I think that fits the larger picture, too. We should not walk away from the negotiating table just because we don’t get what we want. We need to keep trying to find common ground, whether it’s between husband and wife, mother and daughter, President and Prime Minister.
JACK
And we must always remember that good negotiators will compromise.
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