Listen…Relate…React
After a year and a half of writing our cross-generational dialogue, it dawned on us that we were flirting with a universal truth. It is something so big and powerful, yet so simple. It is a concept that is part of every relationship, and an important element of every activity.
It came as a revelation to us that one of the most important skills that greatly contributes to our wellbeing is our ability to communicate with each other. We have a strong feeling that says communication is inspiration. Everything that we do is dependant on our ability, and willingness, to communicate.
An infant very quickly learns that by crying loudly he gets what he wants. As we grow, those that possess the art of communication become prized pupils and over-achievers. In the commercial world, our success depends on our ability to relate to colleagues and to respond to the real needs that are communicated by management. Even in the world of politics and government, we must communicate in order to live at peace with each other. The very dialogue that we enjoy gives us a better understanding of each other and the world around us.
While an infant instinctively knows how to get what he needs. As we mature, it is beneficial to realize not only how to get what we need, but how to satisfy the needs of others. This is advantageous not only in personal relationships, but in business and politics. And yet, so many people fail miserably at all of these ventures. It seems that these failures might be mitigated by a change in how we communicate.
We all know people who don’t really listen, rather they can’t wait for the opportunity to speak. And there are those that convert everything you say to their own experience, and refuse to concentrate on the point you are trying to make. This kind of communication is doomed to failure, yet it can be remedied by learning the principal of active listening.
The best negotiators in the world are not the sharp dealers. They are the people that find out the truth of what the other side wants and, if at all possible, gives it to them. The real skill is joining that expressed desire with your real need. If you concentrate and hear what the other person has to say, you will invariably find common ground so that you ultimately have the same goal. This may seem to some as weakness, however it is the greatest sign of strength as it accomplishes forward movement.
Therefore, the new tagline of our blog is summed up in this process - Listen…Relate…React. This is our 21st century version of “The Power of Positive Thinking” the break-through book by Norman Vincent Peale. This is the next step, not just thinking positive but feeling and communicating positively.
As we continue our dialogue, we will tell stories of real people and real events. We will show dramatically how practicing the art of communication leads to a better life.
Just as it is important to think through what you hear the other person say, in order to make this idea work for you it makes sense to stop and think through these words. If you are having a problem with your primary relationship, if you can’t seem to find a job or are frustrated by your ability to advance ask yourself the question - did you really truly hear and feel what the other person had to say? Did you consider the real need of your business? Are you answering the questions that your partners or customer are asking? Are you responding to the needs of your family and friends? Are you responding to the needs of the marketplace? Did you then put these answers in perspective with your own thoughts and feelings and convert them into compatible action? Do you really listen, relate and react?
It is never too late to start.
Communication is inspiration! Share your thoughts below.
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Jack and Hillary — I can’t think of a more important topic, and your thoughts and insights are so valuable for everyone who reads this. Two specific points that you made were particularly relevant for me. I often feel that when people communicate, most people wait for their turn to speak, rather than actually listening to what the other person is saying. Also, I can’t even count the number of times I have told someone something about my life, only to have the other person tell me something about their own life (and often trying to “one up” what I have said).
I have found that by listening to what someone is saying, understanding where they are coming from, and trying to satisfy THEIR needs, it becomes rewarding, satisfying and helpful to me. I think that a big reason why I have been successful in both my personal life and in my career is because I have always listened to those around me, and tried my best to give them what they need and want. By doing so, I am receiving what I need and want … and then some!
Scott 04/9/08 @ 1:25 pmJack and Hillary - How important are your communication skills? - as you say - very very important! Being truly sensitive to the other person’s needs is the hardest desire to have. Especially for a salesperson(!) which we all are in some shape or form. As Scott has experienced we are busy thinking about the next thing to say WHILST the other person is telling us their needs! … I am beginning to appreciate how essential the listening part is both at work and at love. Thank you for your blog. Liz
Liz Jackson 04/10/08 @ 2:22 amI do think that it is easier to make a career than to achieve the best possible personal life you want to because if you think about it when you work a bit you can be successful and happy at work but on the personal side of your life no matter how hard you work you are not to be always successful because it takes two to tango, either in you love life or friendship or family relationship.
sophie morel 04/11/08 @ 2:24 amFor me it is the hardest to achieve because I need to work on those relationships everyday.
Even though sometimes it goes to hard discussion or disagreement it is essential for one relationship, because it is a way to get something out of your system if you are the person who speaks out or to hear the other one out and listen to what he/she has to say.
it is surprising for a lot of person how close all the members of my family are and how hard we are all working on our dearest friendships but for us it is THE most important in life so it is worth it to fight for it, and therefore to try to communicate with each other.
love to both of you from Paris guys.
Listening is a lost art for most people in or country. You see it dramatically in our political campaigns when the game seems to be to twist what our opponent says into a position that makes him or her vulnerable to attack. In other words we listen not to learn but to be able to use the words of the speaker against him or her. In our private lives this can be very damaging. A simple “what do you mean?” is a better response than some half cocked attack on what you think the speaker meant. Asking for an explanation is better than an attack and in the long run, business, personal or politics, is better for all of us. I will be happy to pursue this theme more fully later.
David Braun 04/12/08 @ 4:30 pmMy two favorite attributes , a person might have is for them to be interested and interesting! One without the other does not work . If a person is only interested in his own viewpoint then it no longer becomes a discussion, It become4s a lecture.How wonderful a conversarion is when both people are interested!!!! Then and only then have both parties learned something. That is pure bliss!
Beverlye Hyman Fead 04/14/08 @ 12:58 pm