FACING THE ISSUE
JACK
The past couple of weeks I have made some interesting observations after conversations with various friends. It seems to me that all of the issues that we face have greater stress than they did in the past. As our world has become more complex, so have our relationships. I strongly believe that one of the major problems is that most people refuse to recognize their actual problem. Failure in business stems from these kinds of misunderstandings, too. Today, more than ever, we must first analyze and recognize the real problem, and then must face it squarely. Many, many years ago when I was in aerial combat we would throw out a special foil, which gave the impression of aircraft when viewed on the radar. The enemy would fire as much at the dummy foil as at our planes. This analogy makes a lot of sense because our problems are really targets, and if we have not identified the real problem, then we will never hit the real target.
HILLARY
I see this all the time, especially when there is a crisis. Instead of addressing the epicenter of the crisis, people tend to focus on peripheral issues, which may have been brought up for them when the crisis began but have little to do with the actual problem. If someone is sick, for example, it's imperative to get him or her to the right kind of doctor and get them on the right course of recovery. If you are overwhelmed by your personal feelings about doctors then you aren't helping the person who is currently ill.
JACK
There is a very similar situation in business and in social problems. First of all, one must decide exactly what the problem is, and that problem must be attacked immediately. Failure to recognize a problem in time may not allow you to resolve it before the window snaps shut. What we are talking about here is all those situations when our own issues do not allow us to concentrate on the problem at hand. We may find it more comfortable to go after the shadow subjects. Once the real problem has been identified we must attack it with real solutions. I find, for example, that the biggest problem people have is dealing with friends and associates. Simplest way to state it is that an individual may just not be capable of fulfilling our needs, but it easier to say that they are. The reality is that you cannot change the other party. The real power that you have is to change yourself and your response to what they say or do.
There are two parts to this. First is to properly identify the problem, and then try to identify a solution. Then try to come up with the best solution. There is always a range, because there is no universal solution for all people and problems.
HILLARY
This has been a major lesson for me to learn over the last year. It is usually my preference to express myself fully to friends and family, and not to hold back for a certain type of response. I understand now that if I am looking to achieve a goal with a relationship (i.e., better respect of boundaries, or more time together,) that a direct approach is not always best. Furthermore, I have come to accept that some relationships offer more harm than good, and keeping them going is pointless.
JACK
That's an amazing conclusion, but one hundred percent right. How many people have the ability and desire to really analyze an individual and what you expect out of that relationship? However, sometimes a decision must be made and it becomes the ultimate decision, that is "do I want to continue the association, and on what level?"
The bottom line is: identify the real problem, do not get distracted by side issues, seek out realistic solutions, and try to identify the best one for the individual you are dealing with and for yourself. Also, it's important to remember that deals are always being made in relationships and, when properly motivated, it's a good thing.
HILLARY
This is a big change for me – to be calculating with my relationships – but I am seeing positive effects, and recognize that being manipulative sometimes is not inherently bad, especially when it resolves the crisis at hand.
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